You've made some very interesting and effective revisions. I'm curious about your choice to end with "I lost the staring contest," because in doing that, you lose the big reveal (that the speaker is attracted to women). The listener may be able to infer that, though.
At any rate, great work. I'm glad you weren't afraid to edit the piece down.
Really nice cutting down the piece, I like the stuff you kept! The music is nice at times, but think about cutting some of it out, it will add more emphasis on things that are really important. Good work : )
If the piece is about your orientation you should put the reveal back in, if that isn't the main focus on the piece then focus in on what it is about. I'm wondering how the beginning connects to the end which is where i get lost.
the focus isn't really on orientation, although i think when she talks about her dog's "gender identity" and when she mentions that she doesn't feel "conventionally attractive" sexuality/gender issues are sort of hinted at...
I like when you describe your characteristics compared to your sister, I think it gives us a very good visual. Also I really like the ending, I think it's a lot better than your draft. However, as far as the whistling goes and other background sounds I don't really think they add anything to the piece.
I really enjoy how you edited down the content and body of the piece. But like i said to you before I think it would be more successful if you choose either the whistling or the guitar, but not both. Use the music to emphasis and life the important parts.
You've made some very interesting and effective revisions. I'm curious about your choice to end with "I lost the staring contest," because in doing that, you lose the big reveal (that the speaker is attracted to women). The listener may be able to infer that, though.
ReplyDeleteAt any rate, great work. I'm glad you weren't afraid to edit the piece down.
Really nice cutting down the piece, I like the stuff you kept! The music is nice at times, but think about cutting some of it out, it will add more emphasis on things that are really important. Good work : )
ReplyDeleteIf the piece is about your orientation you should put the reveal back in, if that isn't the main focus on the piece then focus in on what it is about. I'm wondering how the beginning connects to the end which is where i get lost.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy the addition of music as emphasis. It's kind of whimsical, which is an interesting juxtaposition.
ReplyDeletethe focus isn't really on orientation, although i think when she talks about her dog's "gender identity" and when she mentions that she doesn't feel "conventionally attractive" sexuality/gender issues are sort of hinted at...
ReplyDeleteI like when you describe your characteristics compared to your sister, I think it gives us a very good visual. Also I really like the ending, I think it's a lot better than your draft. However, as far as the whistling goes and other background sounds I don't really think they add anything to the piece.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy how you edited down the content and body of the piece. But like i said to you before I think it would be more successful if you choose either the whistling or the guitar, but not both. Use the music to emphasis and life the important parts.
ReplyDelete